I am unfit. Hideously so, in fact. Yesterday I tried my 10 minute workout DVD for the first time, and at minute 3:36 exactly I was forced to throw myself on the pause button , due to an intense inability to breathe and a feeling of imminent head explosion. I also quickly checked that I wasn’t having a vicious heart attack. I knocked back about half a litre of water to prevent myself from passing out, and resumed my workout until minute 8:24, at which point my body called it quits, and then congratulated myself on having ‘worked out’ – or at least on having tried to. I’m practically a New Yorker now you know, so I must embrace obsessive fitness.
Later on the phone I told my boyfriend about this. He just wasn’t getting it. ‘But you must have felt good, … right?’ (obviously, he is American). No, I didn’t feel good, just exhausted. And slightly mortified. And in agony from my 10 minute brush with exercise. I realise in hindsight that I did all the kicks with my right leg, instead of alternating right and left, which explains the intense shooting pains all down my right side. Last night I spasmed upright in bed after a particularly bad dream, and unconsciously did a more than passable imitation of Alison in ‘Medium’, post-stroke.
I like to think of myself as a relatively active person (‘like’ probably being the operative word in this sentence). However, what I learned yesterday is that workout videos have a very different idea of beginner level than I do. Much like the time I joined the Equinox near my work in the Meatpacking fired up with a New Year enthusiasm to get fit (January 2008, it’s always January isn’t it…). I signed up with a (very beefy) personal trainer who also had a very different idea of beginner than I had – after my first session I literally could not walk, bend over or pick up ANYTHING. For about a week.
I cheered myself up by reminding myself that I am a very good walker. I believe I have successfully developed a very specific (and obviously very small) muscle group – the walking muscles. I am very good at going forward, and almost as good at going backwards, in a straight line, of course. Make me kick sideways, or lunge in any direction, and I’m a goner. Not to be deterred however, I’m getting right back on the horse this morning. Let’s see if I make it to 4 minutes before I have to hit the remote.